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Parenting is hard at the best of times. And parenting alongside a partner who is recovering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can feel like trying to hold the whole family together while walking on eggshells.

You might be juggling everything — the kids, the household, appointments, your partner’s triggers — and doing your best to protect your children from what’s going on. At some point, you may have wondered: Should I talk to my child about PTSD? And if so, what do I even say?

Our clinical psychologist, Dr Anouk Houdijk, has written this blog to help guide your approach with clarity, compassion and confidence.

 

How PTSD can show up at home

PTSD symptoms can affect daily family life in ways that aren’t always obvious, but are deeply felt:

· Being easily startled or jumpy

· Struggling with noise or busy environments

· Trouble sleeping or remembering things

· Irritability or snapping quickly

These symptoms can make everyday parenting moments feel overwhelming — such as school runs, noisy dinners, bath time chaos. Veterans may start avoiding activities that could trigger these symptoms like school fetes, sports days or parents’ evenings. Even being in the same room with the family can sometimes feel too much.

If your partner has spent time on deployment or in high-risk environments, they may already find the shift back into family life difficult. PTSD adds another layer — and your children will pick up on this, even if they don’t understand it.

 

What children notice (and often get wrong)

Children are incredibly perceptive. They’ll notice a parent who’s distant, angry, or often absent. But they’re still learning how the world works, so they often blame themselves.

This is especially true for younger children, whose thinking is naturally self-focused. They may think: “Mum’s cross because I’m annoying” or “Dad doesn’t want to be with me.”

If this happens over and over, it can chip away at their self-esteem or lead to resentment and confusion. It can also create a wider emotional gap between the child and their parent.

And if you’re the other parent, you might feel stuck in the middle; trying to smooth things over, protect your child, and support your partner, all at the same time. It’s exhausting. And that’s exactly why talking to your child about what’s going on can be so powerful.

 

Should you tell your child about PTSD?

In short: yes — in an age-appropriate, calm and simple way.

Children often sense when something is wrong. Giving them a gentle, honest explanation helps reduce anxiety and stops them from filling in the blanks with something worse.

You don’t need to share every detail. It can help to agree together (if possible) what to share and what to keep private. What you say will also depend on your child’s age and personality.

 

How to explain PTSD: a simple analogy

For younger children (ages 5–8), try:

“Imagine someone got stung by a bee in the park and it really hurt. Even when there are no bees, they might still feel scared at the park. They may be on the look-out for bees or have memories popping into their minds about the sting. This might get in in the way of having fun with their friends or playing in the playground. PTSD is a bit like that — the brain still feels scared, even when everything is safe now.”

For older children (9+), try:

“It’s like if you escaped from a volcano eruption, but your home was destroyed, maybe people you care about were hurt and you feel sad and frightened. You might also be angry at people who should have warned you the volcano was going to erupt. Even when you’re out and safe, your brain and body might think about and remember what happened and still be stuck on high alert — like danger could come any second. That makes it hard to sleep, focus or relax.”

Then you can explain how this links to their parent’s behaviour. Here is a sample script of the types of things you may say to an 8 year old.

Sample script for an 8-Year-Old;

“Mummy/Daddy’s brain got really scared during his time in the Army. Even though he’s home and safe now, he still remembers what happened and his brain thinks it’s in danger sometimes. That makes him tired and jumpy, and sometimes he gets angry quickly. It’s not because of you. He loves you very much. You can always talk to me if something’s worrying you.”

Keep it short and calm. Invite questions (using a shoe box as a “question box” can help you take your time to think about what you’d like to say). You don’t need to have all the answers right away — “this is an important question. Let me have a think about how I can best answer it and I will come back to you” is a good response to tricky questions that might catch you off guard. But just remember, being emotionally available is more important than saying everything perfectly.

 

Rebuilding connection in simple ways

PTSD can make family connection feel fragile. But even small moments of calm togetherness can be healing — for both parent and child.

Try quieter, low-stress activities that your partner can manage:

• Drawing or colouring
• Board games or puzzles
• Going for a walk or kicking a ball around
• Listening to music or reading side by side

Aim for these moments to be regular and predictable — even 10 minutes a day can make a big difference in rebuilding trust and connection. Avoid taking these moments away as a consequence.

If you’ve moved often due to military life, your child may already feel unsettled or unsure of their place. These small, steady rituals help build connection and safety.

 

A final word of hope

If you’re reading this, you’re already doing something brave — facing a difficult reality and asking how to support your child through it.

You don’t need to be a perfect parent or partner. You just need to be present, honest and kind — to your child, and to yourself.

With time, connection, and the right support, healing is possible — for your partner, for your child, and for you.

You are not alone.

 

When to seek more support

Children are resilient — but they also need support when someone in the family is unwell.

Look out for changes in your child’s:

• Sleep or appetite
• Mood (more irritable, clingy or withdrawn)
• School performance
• Play (more aggressive or anxious themes)

If you’re concerned, talk to your GP, school staff or explore local mental health support.

If your partner is under our care in Op Courage our Family Liaison Support Lead can also advise on where to access more support.

 

Find out more

Make a referral to Op COURAGE, The NHS Veterans Mental Health and Wellbeing Service 

Visit the EC Defence Programs website which offers a range of age-appropriate resources for children of parents with complex PTSD